MWF Seeks BFF

Posted on July 18, 2012 by Cate

Reposted from Accidentally in Code

Heard about this blog via the lovely Erica, and since I wonder if I have enough local friends (and, obviously moving, the answer will once again be no) seemed like the book (Amazon) would be just the thing for one of the many, many long haul flights I’m taking.

I really enjoyed it, very honest and funny. Since I left university, I’ve been missing the kind of relationship I had with my roommate, similar to the one I had with my roommate at boarding school. Pizza and girly movie nights used to be a staple, but then in Ottawa my social life was very different. I felt like I had a lot of acquaintances (I guess I am good at that bit) but didn’t manage to close the gap to friendship with enough of them. Remember talking to a friend there (who was from Ottawa) about how I hadn’t wanted to be push myself on her because I assumed he had tons of friends, but she didn’t and I wish we had started hanging out more, moved from acquaintances to friends, earlier.

One of the things I realized leaving KW, was that there were so many people there who I wished I had spent more time with. Life was full, I travelled too much, lots of reasons, but the main one - I lacked follow up, I didn’t make time. I didn’t invite people out to do things often, I felt like I would be imposing, that their lives already had enough in them and they didn’t need more friends. They might have wanted more friends, though. The book also offers some definition of friendship, which are helpful - assuming you’ll hang out on a regular basis, the kind of person you can suggest something last-minute to. The breadth of people she managed to meet, too, was really cool.

One of the things that tipped the balance for Sydney over Zurich, was that I already have a good, non-work friend there, and I felt with the chaos this year, that was something I needed. But I’m going to meet new people, and make more effort to follow up. But definitely, I recommend this book, whether you think you have enough friends or not!

Posted in acquaintances, Books, friends, life, Relocating | Comments Off

How To Leave a Country

Posted on July 16, 2012 by Cate

Reposted from Accidentally in Code

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

For someone who seems to have an incurable fear of forms, I move too often. There is nothing I have found so far that has more bureaucracy than moving, especially if that move requires you to obtain a visa.

Dealing with the logistics is time-consuming and stressful, but not hard. Dispose of assets: car (the last tie to my ex, so glad that is done with), cancel outgoings: apartment, phone, internet, insurance, electricity, gym membership. Because things were uncertain up until the last minute, I ended up paying extra because many things were cancelled at the last minute. I consider this an investment in an easier life, but maybe I am just disorganized and indecisive.

Weird, because I bought a one-way ticket out of Canada, luckily I had enough airmiles, so it was cheap (one-ways to and from North America are normally extortionate) and business class - thankfully, after 3 days with little sleep and the last day or so I was too stressed to eat as well I arrived looking and feeling like I had been electrocuted and spent the night in a ditch, and that was with a fully reclining seat and a full night’s sleep on the plane (can’t imagine how I would have been had I flown economy)! But I have a couple of weeks in limbo (in the UK, Copenhagen and Singapore) so the departure from Canada and my arrival in Sydney have been completely separate. I didn’t apply for the Australian Visa or book my flight until after I arrived in the UK. But now I have both (Australian immigration is efficient) and I will arrive in Sydney July 27th.

You end one life, you start another. Visa, bank account, somewhere to live. Despite having relatively little, I am determined to have less in my next location. Thankfully my friend in Sydney enjoys apartment hunting, my hope is that she will have sorted out somewhere for me to live before I arrive.

Anyway, I’m not qualified to tell anyone how to deal with bureaucracy. But leaving, that I am good at.

Truth is, I was heart-broken to leave KW. So much in Sydney that I’m excited for, and I need to live in a city, the city-planning of KW makes everywhere feel like suburbia, an environment I am completely unsuited to. But the community is so vibrant and amazing, and the people I know are so wonderful. I have doubted the decision to leave many, many times, but I was always going to go.

Glad I have my time in limbo though, I left during pitch night (a story for another blog post) and to go from that huge outpouring of love and many of my favorite people in town to a place where I know one person outside of work, that would be quite a culture shock.

I tend to say “why not” instead of “why”, so when everything in my life seemed to disappear at once, I said “why not go” instead of “why stay”. The way you frame the question, makes an outcome more likely. And the thing is, I want to have an international life and career, I just expected to go back to Europe now, but I’m not. Sydney is too beautiful, one of my favorite people in the world is there, and the opportunity is really good for me. It’s never a good time to leave, but some times are less terrible than others, and I think less terrible doesn’t come around that often - so I tell myself that I have to take advantage of it when it does.

But it is hard, and I would talk to people more settled than me and they would quiz me on the how and why, or say they wanted to move to X but hadn’t because of Y, and the truth is, I have all the same fears and concerns, I just do it anyway. I miss my family, have since I left the UK (timezones make it hard), but you only get your twenties once, either you take advantage of that, or you don’t. I don’t want to be wishing I had lived in X or done Y 10 years from now, I want to do it.

We had some girl guides into the office the other week, and I listed “economic freedom” as a benefit of being a female engineer. Economic freedom means you can leave a bad relationship if it is not working out, and not be tied by financial considerations. It means you can up sticks and move to another continent if you want that adventure; it also means you don’t have to if you don’t want to. It is the freedom to make your own decisions, and live your own life, confident that you can financially support yourself and others if necessary.

And I write my profile for OK Cupid, and worry that I seem like a feckless fuckwit. But, whatever, this is my life and I like the adventure, people who judge I probably don’t want to hang out with. And, this is a special time when I’m economically free, and completely lacking in responsibilities. Good chance it won’t last forever (although I’ll do what I can to see that it does!), so I should enjoy it whilst it does.

How do you leave? You dispose of your assets, you cancel your outgoings, and you buy a ticket. You cry, you doubt yourself, you tell yourself that maybe you’ll come back, you hug your people, you tell them how much they mean to you, you cry some more, and then you get on the plane. It is that simple, and that hard.

Posted in adventures, Career, goodbyes, kw, leaving, life, Organization, Relocating, sydney, travel | Comments Off

Why I Cut Down On Public Speaking

Posted on June 15, 2012 by Cate

Reposted from Accidentally in Code

year of the lolcat

Credit: flickr / micklpickl

Last year, I gave a lot of talks. I averaged about one a month, but it wasn’t spread out evenly. In October, I gave four talks. And then I stopped, and since then I’ve been putting off talks I intended to say yes to, or just outright saying no (I know, unlike me). There were a couple of reasons for this.

  1. It wasn’t in line with how I want to spend my time.
  2. I want to (or, think I should) move to giving more technical talks.
  3. Something nasty happened.

Conscious Decisions About Time

At one point last year, I spent an afternoon of my time (drove 30 minutes each way, allowing time to set up, prep etc) and I presented to… six people. It was a talk I had already given, so no new content was created, and it was just not a good use of my time. Also, it was an academic conference I wasted my afternoon and paid a couple of hundred dollars for the privilege (this was so you could attend the rest of the conference, which I did not have the time or inclination to do). There was another small one, but this one did result in me creating content, and was close by (and not an academic conference, so - free), so even though there weren’t many people there the content on my blog got some engagement. That one was borderline worth doing, but the first one? I felt like it was a complete waste of time and money.

That kind of experience made me feel that I really needed to evaluate what I was spending time on and try and be more deliberate about what I say yes - and what I say no - to. Having massively overbooked myself, I was already consciously deciding that I would only give the fluffier talks (by which I mean - non technical, usually about career stuff or tech potential in general) for groups of mainly women. This was a reminder that I needed to stick to that, and likely take it further.

More Technical Talks

It’s taken a while, but I feel like I have a cool technical topic that I could give an interesting technical talk about. But I can’t really put it together until I can talk about what I’ve been working on, so that is on hold. I taught an internal class, did a couple of demos, and did a design walk-through. Positive change, but predominantly internal.

This is down to two things. The first is credibility. I think I know enough about something now, that I could be credible to give a talk on it. That is important to me.

The second, more interesting, thing, is why. What do I hope to gain from this sideline in public speaking? I want to be able to give a good demo, and effectively convey technical information. Probably better to spend the time on giving demos, and conveying technical content, than giving some warm fuzzy manifesto on why tech is awesome. I’ll do that if I think it will help spread the message of diversity in tech (good thing!), but that’s a side project, not my career.

Something Nasty

I thought I was giving a talk to a mostly female group, and I’d sent my content ahead of me. It wasn’t mostly girls, there were teenage boys there too. And it seems they were expecting something different that what I was offering.

So I gave the same talk I’d given multiple times (which people had said lovely things about) and a teenage boy in the audience posted offensive and hurtful things about me and my content on Twitter, and then made sure I saw it. I guess he wanted to take me down a couple of pegs… well, he succeeded.

Interesting, isn’t it, that one insult will do when talking about a dude, but for a woman it’s two, because of the obligatory “bitch”.

Super upsetting. All the more so, because I’d had reservations as to whether it was a good use of my time, there were things I wasn’t happy about and then I went and did it anyway, and the result was that I regretted it. I told myself, “this is what happens when you agree to do something that is not in line with your values”, and I became much stricter about applying them.

Not None, Just Less

… but in practice, none, lately.

Given more time, I might stop being quite so picky about what I’ll say yes to, but here’s the thing - I don’t miss it. I don’t have a good way to measure the value of what I was doing, or the impact. Maybe I inspired one girl at that awful talk, and is that worth the unhappiness it caused me?

Forgive me for thinking - no.

Seen a few things lately about lack of women speaking at conferences etc. Most places are fine. Male dominated, sure, but most guys are reasonable - more than reasonable. But it only takes one unpleasant experience to evaluate the costs and benefits and maybe decide, not worth it to me. And maybe I’m being pathetic thinking I don’t want to present to that kind of group again, but it’s not fair to judge the person who experienced the something nasty; judge the person who inflicted it.

I learned other lessons too - be clearer about what I’m doing, and what I’m not. Stay more faithful to my values. But the big lesson I took from it, and from the academic conference, was - not doing this again, it’s not a good use of my time. An afternoon to reach 6 people, does not make sense in the internet era. A voluntary experience that leaves me upset and feeling terrible is not worth some unknown impact of maybe one person, if that.

Posted in Career, credibility, Education, public speaking, technical, women in computer science | Comments Off

Diva Problems

Posted on June 13, 2012 by Cate

Reposted from Accidentally in Code

On a recent Monday morning, I was barely awake and not keen to get up, I thought, “wow, I feel terrible. Why do I feel so terrible?”

And a little voice in my head answered, “it’s because you flew economy on Friday”.

And then I hated myself. I mean, sure, if I’d flown economy from Europe or California, but we’re talking a one hour flight from NYC. What is wrong with me?

Less than a week later, I’m picking up a pair of shoes for my friends wedding. My feet have somehow grown and none of my existing shoes that would match my outfit fit me. And then I find myself owning my first pair of Jimmy Choos. And on the one hand, I’m totally proud of me that I could just do that. On the other, I completely judge myself because, it’s a pair of shoes. And I could have loaned that money on Kiva, or donated it to GHC, and I didn’t. I bought shoes. Fabulous shoes. But shoes.

Talking to a friend who has genuine, normal person problems. And me, I’m agonizing over which amazing place should I go and be extremely well paid to do something that I love. Yes, hard decision, but also one that most people don’t understand - and why would they? Oh, poor me, I have to choose between two fantastic options. I could be happy with either, but which is the best. Oh, the agony.

Seriously though, I cried over this. I was torn up inside, changing my mind on a daily basis. But by the standards of humanity, it’s not exactly a problem.

Weird situation, because as a woman in tech, professionally I’m not really privileged. I am other, and I feel other on a daily basis. I did not start coding as early, I do not get scifi cultural references, I encounter things, from time to time, that maybe guys wouldn’t encounter (and really, if I question whether it would happen to a guy, that’s more than half the problem). But, as a little white girl making a software engineering salary, in the wider-world, I am tremendously privileged. And sometimes I look at the things I worry about, and it concerns me that this is what I worry about.

For example, I spent a disturbing amount of time last week trying to figure out a one way flight from the UK to Sydney, such that I could stop in Tokyo and pick up the best chocolate in the world, with the constraint that it had to be star alliance (and, ideally, not economy). This kind of thing is an interesting problem in terms of tradeoffs (you can also get this chocolate in Singapore, but maybe not at the airport) and optimization. But it’s also a little unhinged.

I feel like I have stopped living in the real world. And this bothers me, because I don’t know how to go back to the real world.

It’s like, the things I worry about are either completely intractable and seemingly unfixable, like those of gender inequality in a male-dominated environment… or completely ridiculous.

My biggest frustration with other people, is if they do not seem to have a strong grip on reality. But really, I have to look at my life and wonder - how do I retain my own? (It might already be gone).

 

 

 

Posted in diva problems, life, privilege, Reflections, Relocating | Comments Off

Love and Other Fairy Tales

Posted on June 11, 2012 by Cate

Reposted from Accidentally in Code

A real-life fairytale castle II: A broader view

Credit: flickr / o palsson

It’s weird being single again. When things weren’t great, when I wasn’t happy - when I didn’t think things would work out, I never thought ahead to this point. Saturday night with nothing to do. Putting a friend down as my emergency contact on a form.

It’s good. I’m not down about it. I was at peace with the outcome before it even happened, but the process left much to be desired. The process, that was upsetting.

Really, I feel like we broke up three weeks before we actually did, as that was when we had that (final) argument, and my ex stopped speaking to me. And since then, I’ve been in California, New York (twice), Sydney, and Ottawa. Flitting around by myself is not new, and in many ways not much had changed. It was when I stopped rushing around that things seemed different. Having my wisdom teeth out my friends were awesome, and took care of me, but then I spent the weekend alone in the kind of state where making it out to the store to pick up some (soft) food was an achievement.

I spent about 48 hours off my head on narcotics post-surgery. The most relaxed I have been in… a long time. And during this, I contemplated having a nose job (possibly due to my dropping my ipad on my nose, a fact that I had forgotten until I noticed the bruise, Monday morning). And I also contemplated dating women, as in, why am I not doing that instead? Sober, there is, of course, a pretty simple answer to this! But I’m burned out on the drama, and the anger, and the stress of untangling two lives that used to be entwined. I always thought the downside of dating women would be the emotional drama. The latest breakup had enough emotional drama to fuel the breakup of two teenage girls.

But I was OK, until I ended up back at the dentist in so much pain I was nearly in tears, and he gave me a syringe to clean out the holes where my wisdom teeth used to be and told me to “have your hubby do it”. I said, “I don’t have a husband”, a fact so surprising the nurse had to repeat it, and he said, “oh, your parents then”. My parents are in Europe. “It’s easier if you have someone else”. Well I don’t! That day, I did not feel quite so great about being single. He also told me that I was fine to work, but try debugging with a minimum of a constant low level pain (and often much worse) whilst feeling nauseous from consuming more painkillers in a couple of days than I’ve taken in the entire last year.

The plan is, I’m moving. The move is a story for it’s own blog post, once it is definite. I’m currently operating on the basis that it is happening, but don’t really believe it will. My friend where I’m going says, “we can go to these singles meetups if you want”, and I say, “I spend all day surrounded by dudes. The last thing I want to do in the evening is meet more dudes”. Another friend, with no knowledge of this conversation, suggests I go on OKCupid to meet some people pre-move. They both have a point, but currently, I feel like, what’s the point? So I can spend time on another man, who will eventually be an ex I don’t speak to? Why bother?

I met my dad in Ottawa, he was on his way to DC (he travels at least as much as I do), and he says to me that he worries about me seeming untethered to anything.

I am untethered. That’s why I can pack up my life and relocate to another continent next month. And I’m excited for that adventure, and I’ve yet to meet anyone who I think would be worth giving that freedom up for. It’s possible that there are people who have that kind of hankering for adventure too, but I haven’t found that either.

In a world where we didn’t have the options that we do, there might not have been the moment where I looked at my ex and realized, we are just too different. But I do have those options. It’s been the case for a while that men have chosen the kind of weird nomadic life that I have and had wives go along for the ride. But statistics show that a professional women’s partner will tend to be another professional, and that is a constraint. I don’t want someone to keep house and raise the 2.4 children, I want another adventurer who chooses the same adventures that I do. Or I’ll have my adventures alone, or with more transient company. And that is okay.

I had a fling. It ended, and I missed it. And then, I saw the alternative reality, the ending of it where it was more than a fling - a dramatic, heartbreaking, mess, of compromises too big to make, because there are limits to how much people can really change (not much). And I was just so grateful that it had happened, to remind me that it does - sometimes boy meets girl, boy and girl have fun. I needed it, but I didn’t need it to last forever. That ending was OK. Given the choice, it’s the one I want.

Not sure where I’m going with this other than, romance - it’s at least NP-hard.

Posted in adventures, Career, dating, life, Reflections, Relocating, single, travel | Comments Off

On Feeling Uninspiring

Posted on June 4, 2012 by Cate

Reposted from Accidentally in Code

A couple of weeks ago, I got an email from a friend about a project she’s involved in. She was looking for me to share my “inspiring story” on being a technical woman.

I said no. Said, got nothing inspiring to say right now. Can’t. Do. It.

And she gave me a pep talk, and I thought about how, in a little while, I would write something that might be inspiring, about how at times it sucks to be a woman in tech, and sometimes we feel that we have nothing good to say, but that we have each other. The tech-woman mafia.

But still, I haven’t written it. Because I still got nothing.

And I sit and watch a panel of interns, and one of them says, “being a woman has never been an issue”, and I think, damn, when did I stop believing that?

Re-read Women Don’t Ask (Amazon) and then wish I hadn’t, because it reminds me that women, we have to play the social game (don’t be selfish, do what is best for others) but that often it seems like being selfish is how people get ahead - you want to do something extraordinary, you’ll probably need to put that project at the top of your list. Trying to please everyone just leads to mediocrity.

I work at a great place for women, I do. But that doesn’t mean that something doesn’t happen most days to make me feel conscious of the fact that I’m something of the odd one out. Sometimes it’s bad - like when someone asks me if I am a product manager (or, suggests I would be a good product manager). Sometimes it’s good, like when the fact that I’m not narrowly focused gets me an opportunity. Some of it is entirely in my head, like when I meet people and make a point of saying I’m a software engineer, just in case they don’t realize - guys don’t feel the need to do this.

Point is, I have good things to say about being in tech, about my job, about where I work, about what I’m going to do next. But not about being a technical woman. I just feel burnt out, uninspired, and uninspiring. Surrounded by straight white males, playing on the easiest game setting (one of the best articles I’ve read about gender) when I’m not always even sure we’re playing the same game, period.

Have you ever felt like this? What did you do?

Super-early bird registration is open to GHC. I’m counting down the days.

Posted in gender, inspiration, life, technical women, women in computer science | Comments Off

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-05-20

Posted on May 20, 2012 by Cate

Reposted from Accidentally in Code

  • Excellent brunch with @write_girl and @ericarw! Thanks for hanging out <3 #
  • atypical sunday for me: brunch with @ericarw @write_girl, bootcamp with @Krajewski83, cooking, working all day. 3 of these are good things. #
  • Somehow @melissabernais got me the perfect gift, despite having no idea what was going on <3 http://t.co/K1AepfRd #
  • What to wear for a 630am meeting is haaaaard. I compromise my not brushing my hair but leaving the snuggle off-screen. #
  • This is a beautiful story - unspoken mentorship - http://t.co/gjMKvyO6 /via @rebeccasliter #
  • "Not one of the women I have heard from had an outcome that was not worse for her than silence." - http://t.co/9KANjiNn /via @triketora #
  • This is pretty cute, analog sms - http://t.co/xnLjclUS /via @hmason #
  • My personal hell (@ Toronto Pearson International Airport (YYZ) w/ 37 others) http://t.co/MzUAdONE #
  • Sad to be here without my Australians and my intern! Had to carry my own luggage :-( (@ LaGuardia Airport (LGA)) http://t.co/ZXhR0nmx #
  • This billboard is pretty cool! Goes all the way around the building http://t.co/H2otFPwl #
  • Awesome but depressing: What If The Male Avengers Posed Like The Female One? http://t.co/l7gvnrvy /via @leapingwoman @BiatchPack @e_morrison #
  • Love this post by @fillenumerique on resilience - A Day in the Life of Resilient Knickers - http://t.co/1Yf6cJ0Z /via @sarahlmathieson #
  • Oh this app does look really neat! Flixel - http://t.co/EaICXQLs /via @lccarson #
  • Love the highline, even when it is raining. http://t.co/Ezi1OZWe #
  • Absolutely love that @tammypetro and I celebrated both our birthdays together, on two different continents (and both hemispheres!) <3 #
  • Feel like I have to choose between the slightly crazy long term bet, or the predictable short term one. #
  • I like this - The Cult of Positivity: If You Dream It, You Can't Necessarily Become It - http://t.co/8wSdZweI /via @oliverburkeman #
  • Interesting: relationships are made up of leftovers, because you do the intersection of what you both want to do - http://t.co/EfFbnJp4 #
  • This is a FANTASTIC article on white dude privilege, using video gaming analogy - http://t.co/UHsIs2XI /via @lccarson #
  • So nice to see @hmason! (@ bitly HQ) http://t.co/VZTACXOh #
  • Last night in NYC for foreseeable future, walk across town to Nike store for fuelband. Arrive 6 minutes too late. Head to bed. Rock'n'roll! #
  • Getting my fuelband! Finally! (@ NikeTown) http://t.co/KiyQCalj #
  • Cab driver terrifyingly furious about traffic and how he was being kind to take me to the airport. Then the singing started, even scarier. #
  • But now I'm hanging out in the lounge with a guy from many flights ago who taught me how to bribe people. Random and lovely! #
  • So weird that this time 2 weeks ago I was returning from sydney! (@ Toronto Pearson International Airport (YYZ)) http://t.co/9IDPhDxx #
  • Weird to feel sad but also optimistic? Current mantra: some things you don't need to last forever, you just need them to happen. #
  • Other weird and semi depressing thought: it's nice to have romantic interludes that end non-disastrously. #
  • I think of potential disastrous endings and am grateful they will now never happen. And people find me unromantic! #
  • Shutting @5 over the long weekend! This sucks. (@ The Athletic Club Waterloo) http://t.co/stBN0JFU #

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Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-05-13

Posted on May 13, 2012 by Cate

Reposted from Accidentally in Code

  • Can't wait to take that boat! Falls are magnificent, can't believe I didn't come sooner. [pic]: http://t.co/QACfaY6y #
  • "It's hot living in a plastic bag" http://t.co/HLrTny7N #
  • Pictures from Maid Of The Mist - So awesome! [pic]: http://t.co/45PC1JML #
  • Amazing time with Leslie today at Niagra falls! Pictures: http://t.co/QACfaY6y #
  • It's 1:30am and I'm getting up for the day. Result of horrific jetlag and obsessing about uncertain things is insomnia, apparently. #
  • Sunrise! http://t.co/gD0KnIt8 #
  • Well this is depressing, Feminine role models found to not motivate girls to study maths - http://t.co/A8raYBww #
  • Lots going on this week. Monumentally jetlagged. NYC next week. Feel like I'm about to lose my mind. But still, I'll get to see @tammypetro #
  • Ooh the next @GirlGeeksKW event is up! May 29th and we WILL sell out! http://t.co/iBzXlVYc #
  • Look what @zmagg sent me! And @Flameass delivered it to my desk on a day when I kinda needed a reminder <3 http://t.co/I1znpFzs #
  • I meant to clean up my apartment this evening but instead tackled my inbox… Which means lots of emails saying "I'm sorry I suck at email" #
  • Perhaps that should just be an autoresponder. With link to a random number generator that makes up a number for likelihood of me responding. #
  • Everything seems better after a couple of hours of cardio. Starting to love my secret pre-dawn life. #
  • Our UX designer wrote some code, he tells me: "It looks really good. Not the code, that doesn't look really good, but when you run it" #
  • Oh this is amazing, I love @27bslash6 - "What burns with the light of a thousand suns and is in the letterbox?" - http://t.co/Qxy1S0xP #
  • Remind myself that no news is not bad news, but the phrase "you are obviously awesome" counts as a Good Sign RE new adventure, right? #
  • Although it could also be used in a hyperbolic "It's not you, it's me" rejection… #
  • And this kind of thinking is why my friend sent me off to bed with "Good night! Nothing bad will happen!" which I did find comforting :) <3 #
  • Love this visualization of people moving around manhattan, as told by geoloc on their tweets - http://t.co/uCG3IH6Z #
  • Friend fixed a problem by restarting her computer. Took ages to think of it as not on windows, so restart is not the solution to everything. #
  • Love this article - the highest craft - http://t.co/ZYSIZMGm /via‏ @jliyi @ailiangan @wynlim #
  • 30 girl guides @googlecanada this afternoon, filling the dream career badge! Hopefully some of them will realize software is a dream career. #
  • Intern on panel: "I have a lot of role models, professors at school, engineers I work with, people who are dead" #
  • Same intern: "three parts of being an engineer: meetings, email and actually doing stuff" - this girl is awesome! #
  • Always an inspiring and reassuring evening with @lccarson http://t.co/dZf2EJ7O #
  • News! Finally! And positive, I think :-) #
  • Wow this is disgusting behavior - Dell should be so ashamed - http://t.co/MBihtrCH /via @bennettbusiness @CNET #
  • Good advice here - 3 Things Professional Women Should Stop Apologizing For -http://dld.bz/bz6Ms /via @JuliaRosien #
  • Having one of those days (maybe, weeks) where I'm tired of dudes and their obliviousness of male-privilege. Not all, but enough to irk me. #
  • Exciting! Light-field camera allows focusing after the shot, and creating 3d images - http://t.co/5DYksg8X - /via @fillenumerique #
  • Big plans for today, gym, spa… But main thing is: no computer, no email, no work! #
  • Two weeks ago I did a stunning 10k hike to Manley beach and had one of the best Saturday nights in… Forever. I miss Sydney! <3 #

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It’s Not a Disaster

Posted on May 9, 2012 by Cate

Reposted from Accidentally in Code

I destroyed these paintings because I did not like them

Credit: http://www.bighappyfunhouse.com/archives/11/03/30/14-54-33.html

Travel gives me a lot of time to think, the planes, the airports, the queues. And the jetlag - there’s no lonelier time than four in the morning, wherever you happen to be.

Probably clear from my last post that I’ve had a lot to think about, lately. Still going to have to be enigmatic and elusive (sorry!), but things are looking up.

Currently, I oscillate between fear that things can’t just work out the way it seems like they might, and this calm conviction that three months from now my life if going to be unrecognizable, and all this chaos and drama is going to turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.

I’m not normally a big fan of poetry, but there is one poem that I like - One Art by Elizabeth Bishop.

The art of losing isn’t hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother’s watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three beloved houses went.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster.

- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan’t have lied. It’s evident
the art of losing’s not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) a disaster.

I think she is saying it is a disaster, but still. I find it comforting. It’s hard to feel your world falling to pieces around you; it’s hard to lose the things you cling to. Yes, it brings potential, but at 4am that doesn’t mean that you don’t want to cry - that loss seems insurmountable, at the loneliest time of day.

And I just let it be. OK, this is my worst case scenario. It is not, in fact, a disaster. And, interestingly, the more I activate my best-case scenario, the more the worst-case scenario seems like a precious thing that I don’t want to lose, either.

At 4am, I look at myself and realize that I are not the person I aspire to be. I know that in a different reality I might have talked about change a lot, but been unable to actually do it because I wouldn’t have wanted to let go of something. But the something is breaking apart, and as that happens - it tells me to go for it. It’s time.

Posted in adventures, Career, chaos, inspiration, life, loss, Relocating, travel | Comments Off

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-05-06

Posted on May 6, 2012 by Cate

Reposted from Accidentally in Code

  • Hot chocolate after a crazy speed boat ride! Perfect! (@ Café Sydney w/ 7 others) [pic]: http://t.co/URb2LYES #
  • Can't believe it's my last weekend in Sydney! Will be so sad to leave Michael and @tammypetro. When life is chaotic, good friends are gold. #
  • Yes! Solved the issue from last week that was causing multiple weird issues that made me feel like a crazy person. Win! #
  • Idyllic! http://t.co/fNuuZuoB #
  • This place is quite kitch but peaceful, something I really appreciate and need at the moment. http://t.co/aL89lVvS #
  • Charming! http://t.co/ZedyPOZF #
  • The cascade "tumbles directly into the lake of brightness" http://t.co/DoPgQIvr #
  • Kind of love this place http://t.co/B58uNWrl #
  • There are also people dressing up in traditional Chinese costume (not pictured) http://t.co/tB0557oY #
  • Weirdly for all this is a Chinese garden, the place it reminds me of most is Kyoto. http://t.co/BwPzobTu #
  • I know I'm in the city because I can hear the cars and see the buildings… But it seems far away! http://t.co/ouGNPIOF #
  • <3 http://t.co/mWTVmitk #
  • Of course the name "lake of brightness" makes me think of Anne of green gables http://t.co/YRh8YKxV #
  • Taking a break for some fresh air and sight-seeing (@ Chinese Garden of Friendship) [pic]: http://t.co/EAw3saoJ #
  • Bonzai trees! http://t.co/H9eSYCwI #
  • I cannot believe I'm leaving in 4 days. Don't want to! http://t.co/PqibBNXG #
  • Submarine! http://t.co/IsGk9khp #
  • Secret this week on @postsecret about being an international nomad. My international nomad secret is: I haven't loved anyone enough to stay. #
  • This article is hilarious - The 7 Most Baffling Things About Women's Clothes - http://t.co/hBsSBmvn /via @AvocadoDog #
  • Exhibit Aims To Convey The Wonder And Beauty Of Math: this is what math is meant to look-and feel-like http://t.co/FeQ0aNUt /via @aranoff #
  • These pictures of North Korea are eerie. Such impressive buildings, so few people. http://t.co/c18gH3ew /via @amyallcock #
  • Even the relentless positive can't positivize this, so I'm hiding out in a corner rocking out to Bad Romance. Is it weird that it helps? #
  • I have to say, @lccarson just made my day with this epic Lady Gaga a-capella cover of Bad Romance. Love it! http://t.co/CtuYBp9e <3 <3 <3 <3 #
  • New event added to calendar titled: "DNS - Tentative: Searching for Inner Peace (again)" #
  • Colleague shows me a paper and says "hey, did you see anything like this before? It's health insurance." #
  • This is adorable - I wonder what the world would be like if we were nicer to snails - http://t.co/WRB549zE @aranoff #
  • Hard truths: Do What Works, Not What's Satisfying: Pseudo-Striving and our Fear of Reality-Based Planning (Study Hacks) http://t.co/A3A82Okh #
  • Interesting effects if you see you mind as separate from your body, or not - http://t.co/ljaveH4z #
  • Finally good news in the morning (as opposed to bad news, or no news). I will have health insurance when I get back to Canada! Yay! #
  • Removed "tentative" from "DNS - Searching for Inner Peace (again)". I'm going off the grid for a month in the summer. #
  • My manager is amazing, I can't wait to reconnect with my creativity and get some perspective. Everything is going to be OK. #
  • Trying again: "I wonder what the world would be like if we were nicer to snails" http://t.co/brKPrRPz /cc @intrstngtimes /via @aranoff in reply to intrstngtimes #
  • Ooh checking out the @kwawesomefound applications, there are some exciting things there! Next pitch night should be a good one! #
  • So I was watching a video of a course I'm giving and feeling pretty despondent, when colleague dragged me on a cruise. http://t.co/U7uvPQIJ #
  • The guys are raising the sail! Exciting! http://t.co/Sxb4gFFq #
  • Loving this weird light http://t.co/LfQ49X9e #
  • This is where the prime minister lives! http://t.co/cxpFlJOo #
  • Still don't know what island this is! http://t.co/wZ4Kuw99 #
  • I bet the view up there is pretty awesome! http://t.co/5xmzaCfw #
  • I'm steering! http://t.co/fN6tnWM4 #
  • Tweeting whilst driving! Luckily we are barely moving! http://t.co/pfyQ9ZZ1 #
  • Circular quay http://t.co/0r2QIw3b #
  • It's beautiful! http://t.co/hrwGcUQw #
  • Back on solid ground! http://t.co/4VoDHdfw #
  • Colleague tells me: "when everything collapses it's the manifestation of shiva. Take that as amazing luck" - he means it. #
  • My friend says: "a man having a wife at home taking care of things is an asset. A woman having a husband, is a liability." #
  • Female animals have real, deep friendships - http://t.co/H2KDHNDy Female humans open up at nail bar - http://t.co/65atbdaM (love this blog) #
  • Love, inspiring - "They're just pixels. You can do better." http://t.co/9M81R3PH /via @serenangai #
  • Hilarious advice: "I am not asking you to cure cancer. I am just asking you not to spread it." http://t.co/nmyExlxH /via @triketora @knga #
  • Really sad it's my last day in Australia. Really sad about recent chaos. But confident that 3 months from now I'll be glad it all happened. #
  • Welcoming good news and progress after a week that brought only bad. Reminding myself that crisis creates opportunities for new adventures. #
  • Gotta love the view of the harbour http://t.co/ZsR9axG3 #
  • Ooh this is fun! It's spinning! /cc @lccarson @tammypetro http://t.co/UGPmtf0f #
  • This is cool! You might not be able to see but there starfish. http://t.co/imncpgK1 #
  • Don't waste another minute http://t.co/LZpGr0Q5 #
  • Enjoying my southern hemisphere birthday and new adventure celebration with @tammypetro her boyf and Michael! Dinner @ mamak <3 #
  • This is a really good post on technical interviews - http://t.co/AwGK3KzD /via @jyhsu /by @raganwald #
  • I like this - 28 Ways to Stop Complicating Your Life - http://t.co/FL92brtS /via @Tending2Entropy @therobcampbell: #
  • Weird but… fabulous? Dress made out of ford car parts - http://t.co/2bReRA0g /via @krusk #
  • I'm 27! And heading back to #kwawesome BIG changes coming up for me but I'm psyched about it. #
  • In cab on the way to the airport. Can't believe it's been 3 weeks exactly since I arrived. Seems like longer but also no time at all. #
  • Really leaving! :,( (@ Sydney Kingsford Smith Airport: Australian Customs and Border Protection Service w/ 3 others) http://t.co/Ne4zUFTH #
  • Noooo forgot to get @melle timtams and the selection at the airport is poor! People who know me will not believe how little I shopped! #
  • On the plane, really leaving! Next stop, vancouver! But there's a baby in the exec cabin? Nooooooooo! #
  • About 79% of technical women have a partner who works fulltime, compared with 37% of technical men - http://t.co/CJNgVvim /via @ncwit #
  • Back in Canada! (@ Vancouver International Airport (YVR) w/ 13 others) http://t.co/DZCE3oR7 #
  • And now I'm 27 in the northern hemisphere! Feels slightly less good after 14 hours on a plane. #
  • Frantically managed to freshen up before boarding flight again. Can't wait to get home and shower! http://t.co/ugc4LDfh #
  • Book igloo! I want to go live in it. http://t.co/aZuwhguL #
  • "…great moments often catch us unaware – beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one." http://t.co/HEZCfr42 /via @jyhsu #
  • Omg look what I came home to! This is amazing! http://t.co/ThzvPsup #
  • Must stay awake another 30 minutes to hydrate and it will be a reasonable time to call my favorite Australian and tell him I love his gift! #
  • Starwars bluerays. I have the starwars box set already and neither a blueray player nor a tv. But I love them anyway because he tried! #
  • Dorking out with @serenangai (@ St Jacobs Model Train Exhibit) [pic]: http://t.co/HLRhbQ3S #
  • 7am in Sydney right now and I kinda do feel like I stayed up all night! #zombie #
  • Event for catalyst camp! (@ Google Waterloo) http://t.co/0EBjCZ0s #
  • Ooh asparagus @versesrestaurant http://t.co/ILgi360j #

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